Where the Learning Happens

Working with what is actually happening in an EFL session can be a challenge for those of us trained in the discipline. We might have so many ideas of what could or should happen that we get in the way of the relationship between the client and the horse. I suggest “checking your ego at the barn door.”

If we are able to constantly use our own body as a “sensing device” and to suspend our judgments, personal agendas, and ideas we can hold the sacred space for true connection and change to happen for the horse and the client. This takes commitment to your personal growth as well as learning more about how relationship happens and learning how to be in collaboration with the horse. Sound simple—it’s not!

Corey DeMala is my mentorship student who lives and works in New York State. She is an accomplished equestrian and horse trainer. She is also a licensed mental health counselor and runs a successful EFL practice working with young people, adults, and couples (www.CoreyDemala.com). Corey says that her natural ability to relate to horses began as early as age 7.  She would find herself in the barn with the horses in the middle of a snow storm to be with them so she wouldn’t get stuck in the house.She got her “dream job” as a horse trainer but soon learned this was not for her because the relationship with the horse was missing.

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Corey then decided to enter graduate school for counseling in 2008 and sought out training programs to combine her two loves and skills. She heard me speak with Jennifer Oikle in her symposium in 2013 and said she felt I may have the missing pieces to help her refine her practice. (For more information about Jennifer’s 2014 offerings check out: Listen & Learn: The 2014 Tele-Summit in March and join Jennifer during the Festival & Symposium May 16-18, 2014 in Denver, CO. I will be presenting at the symposium in person this year (www.HealingWithHorse.com)).

My mentorship and coaching students are required to do practice sessions with their clients and to write them up for our bi-monthly discussions and review. Following are two sessions that Corey conducted with her clients during the cold wintery days of December and January. They are examples of working with the weather, the client, and the horse with grace and simplicity.

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“Carrie” is a 65 year old retired school counselor who came to me to because she wanted to learn to ride and be with horses, but was “terrified” of them.   She found me online at Psychology Today, looking for a way to work through her fears of horses and other things in her life, especially during this time of transition. I have been working with “Carrie” for about 10 sessions, spread out over several months’ time.  She also came to our retreat in November.  This client works with Applause, a 27 year old Morgan gelding who is an incredible healer.   Throughout the sessions, “Carrie” has become increasingly more comfortable being around the horses.  We begin all sessions with a body scan and check in about her arousal level.  At first, this was often between a 7-8 and we have been working on breath work, grounding and slowing things down.  Slowing down has been a big piece of our work.  More recently, she often reports a 3-4 and it is often excitement rather than anxiety. We always begin with a check in/body scan and breath work.  (She is an experienced meditator).  She then proceeded to groom the horse, paying attention to any shifts in her or the horse.  Her arousal level was her now usual 3-4, with some excitement just to be here.  Often, picking the hind feet is a struggle.  This session, the client got to the hind legs and the horse would not pick up the right hind.  I had to remind myself to keep myself grounded and allow for whatever needed to happen.  She tried for a bit and then got frustrated and reported she wanted to give up.  We discussed what might need to change in order for him to pick up his leg.  We discussed how it is important to pick out his feet and how sometimes we need to be more assertive with our needs, for our own good and the good of those in our care.  This is a big issue for her, as she has discussed struggling to say no and then being overwhelmed. I asked her to step back and take some deep breaths and tell me what she was feeling.  She scanned her body and emotions and then started to cry a bit.  I asked what was coming up for her.  She said, as she was standing by the horse’s hind end, that she was angry.  She went on to describe how she was angry at those in her life who she doesn’t stand up to.  As she said the word “angry” the horse literally started to lick and chew, dropped his head and picked up that right hind and just rested it.  She didn’t notice at first, but then I asked her what the horse was doing.  We then discussed what changed in her?  She said she was able to admit to being angry, to discuss what boundaries had been crossed and how she could better maintain her boundaries for the good of all in the various relationships.  We then discussed how she could try again and sure enough that horse picked his leg right up when she was finally congruent. The nugget she took away was that she needed to honor her anger, not stuff it and use the information it provided, i.e. boundaries, to help better her relationships with herself and others. Following this session, she spent a good hour in the freezing barn to journal with the horse. It was a great lesson for me in trusting the process and staying grounded, not trying to get the horse to pick up his leg.  It is hard for me to watch clients struggle, but it is so often where the learning happens.

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Corey said that she also learned that it is not about constructing extravagant exercises but using the simple ones like grooming and leading that often lead to most lasting outcomes for clients. She has been training horses for over 20 years and she wonders sometimes, “Do I have to work with horses in some incredible way or can I just let the simple tasks and experiences with the horse be the teacher?”

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Following is another one of Corey’s sessions.

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Remember that these two sessions were done during a very cold time of year and are examples of taking the elements and the horse’s and clients needs into consideration when conducting a session.

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